Magical Scribe Eleanor Slam versus Magical Aristocrat "Milly" Schulz

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"Why climb the building?"

On a wall facing the ocean, I have a great view of the ground. Judging by past experience, I could just barely break my legs from this height if I fell. Maybe if I hit those rocks over there just right...

"Less likely to bump into people who can relay where we went to Cap'n. You comfy back there, hon?"

It's not comfortable back here. I'm balled up in a net made of spiderwebs whose origin I am trying very hard not to think about. My left arm's starting to fall asleep.

"Yeah," I lie.

Whatever this Suzi person has planned, I doubt her intentions are pure.

"Ihihihi, good, good~."

The spray of the ocean is at my back, and I can't stop looking down. My clothes are still wet and this proximity to the sea isn't helping things at all.

"Couldn't I hide in your room?"

This thing that's holding me keeps rocking back and forth in the wind and it's making my stomach churn.

"My my my, you're being awfully forward, Elly~. I don't think you'd like it in there, though."

Fuck you and your innuendos. You're making me sick, you freak.

"Getting dizzy..."

Actually, I really am getting pretty nause-


As soon as I'm hauled onto solid ground, I fall to my hands and knees while my stomach tries to expel its contents through my mouth. Nothing comes out, though. Then I fall on my face because my knees won't support me anymore and I'm dry heaving like a fish trying to breathe. Suzi is clicking her tongue at me like it's my fault.

"Mmm, hang on, lemme get that for ya'," is all she says before she's got her hands on me again. I wanna tell her to get the fuck off but the queasiness from earlier hasn't worn off, and my stomach hurts like hell. There's some clicking noises as my body feels lighter and lighter. I think... Yeah, I can pull myself up. Suzi gives me water again, but it hurts to drink on an empty stomach. I bet she was counting on that. Sadist cunt.

I didn't notice it before, but over the smell of salt, there's a flower fragrance in the air. It's different from what Suzi's wearing, whatever it is. I look around me and see blobs of red and green in rectangular patterns, arranged around a single table in the center. Roses, judging by the scent, which would make this somebody's garden.

I wouldn't have thought there'd be something like this up here. Not here, not back at the Eighth... Come to think of it, are all magical girls insane?

Suzi's marching towards it, dragging me along and saying things like, "Now you just sit at that table over there and-- Oh dear."

"Nnnh?" I still don't feel right after losing my lunch. Not that I want to answer her or anything, anyway.

"That's Milly," she whispers while pointing at something; her breath tickling my ear freaks me the fuck out. "Though you should call her Miss Schulz or she'll throw a fit~. I'd figured she'd have gone inside by now."

If I squint a little, I can see a figure sitting at the table. Mostly wearing white, and brown hair. She's looking right at us. And after getting up closer, I can tell that she's frowning.

"She's a sheltered girl, so just... Be quiet and she won't be a bother."

Oh. Well that's easy. And that assumes this isn't some sort of setup to crush my spirits. I'm wise to your games, you bitch.

Suzi pretty much drops me on the chair in front of this... scary looking girl. She's glaring at me so intensely I can't bring myself to look at her. I don't want anything to do with any of this.

"Miss Berry. Why have you deposited this ragamuffin at my table during my afternoon tea?" She demands, indicating the spread of fancy cookware - I think it's ivory? Is that even legal? - and a plate of what look like cookies.

Suzi's rocking on her feet like a little kid and grinning again. "Apologies, my cute little Miss Millyyy, bu-"

'Milly' cuts her off tersely, "Please don't call me that."

Suzi's grinning bigger now. "-but this here girl needs a place to hide from the whimsy of Cap'n Crunch."

Fancy girl has thoughtful look on her face all of a sudden. She hasn't stopped drinking her tea, but she's staring at me with an... uncomfortable look of pity.

Fancy girl sets down the cup. "I'll allow her to stay," she replies, her voice no longer as stern. It still has a bit of edge to it when she adds, "but if she acts like some callous ruffian I will formally introduce her to the ground at terminal velocity."

Ah, there's the familiar threat of consequences for not doing something arbitrary. Sounds awful tempting, though.

"Thank ya' kindly, Miss Schulz. Now if you'll excuse me, I was gonna visit my old foster home." Suzi's leaning up in my face now and leering at me and I don't like iiiiiiiit. "Be good now, Elly."

I just nod. Sure, sure, just go awaaaaay.

Creepy spider woman finally pulls away and waves goodbye with a cheeky grin as she leaves. By jumping off the goddamn roof with a loud "Yahoo!"

I'm not even surprised anymore. All I know is I haven't had food in a couple days and I want some of whatever this person is having because it looks like something sweet.

"My apologies, would you like some?" she perks up. "You look famished."

I didn't even realize I was staring. Dimly, I nod.

"Speak up, now."

I thought I was told to be quiet. Is this some kind of test?

"Yes," I rasp.

"'Yes, please'."

I don't care what it takes, right now I want that sugar.

"Yes, please."

"'Yes, please, -Miss Schulz-.'"

Oh, fuck you. Fuck you, you prissy little bitch.

"Yes, please, Miss Schulz."

"Very good." She seems appeased for the mome-

"Sit up straight, now," she snaps at me as I try to put one of the confections in my mouth, "and don't just eat it, you must dip it first. Really, being on the brink of starvation is no reason to act like some savage." But that's exactly the time for manners to start breaking down! Can you just get to the physical torture already so I don't have to deal with this psychological crap?

Mechanically, I follow her instructions. Adjust my posture, dip the cookie-thing in the tea, then quickly eat it before she can change her mind. It's kinda buttery, and it practically melts in my mouth. I don't know squat about tea, but after taking a sip (pinkie out, just to be safe), I find it to be sweet-tasting as well. This is actually pretty tasty, much better than cup ramen and the cheap junk I usually buy.

"There, isn't that much better?" Miss Schulz asks sweetly. "You're looking more like a real lady already." Nnnng, stop it, you lying liar. You're making my face burn red.

I have to agree about things being better, though. Compared to my normal routine, this is... Nice. The air isn't stale, my outfit's dried out in the breeze, and I don't have to do anything other than sit up here for a while. Not like I could go anywhere; my body still throbs dully, reminding me that it's utterly exhausted. Well, no matter. I could watch the birds, maybe. It might get boring, but for now I guess this is nice.

Yeah, this is-


I nearly drop my cup when she shrieks. "Are you okay, Miss Schulz?" I ask. She's staring at a spot on her dress that looks like... Like a bird pooped on it. The ones that passed over a short while ago. I don't see any napkins, so I undo my cravat - usually I don't even remember that's what it's called - and offer it up to her. "Here, you can use this to-"

"No," Miss Schulz murmurs, her voice shaking. "No need, I'll be fine in a moment, please excuse me."

Miss Schulz stands up and faces away from me after pushing in her chair. As I try to rearrange my cravat - how did this thing work again? - she pulls reaches into her neckline and pulls out her soul gem. It's a very pearly white, but I can't make out the finer details before strands of silk erupt from the ground and wrap around her. From her toes up past her head, she is cocooned in the stuff, all in the span of a couple seconds.

So this is her magical girl transformation? The costume change -would- get rid of the stain, but isn't this excessive?

Something spiny punches through the shell from the inside out, some kind of a gold-colored spine. Then another on the opposite side. And then the whole thing is shredded in half as Miss Schulz tears it apart with a yell. A large pair of blue butterfly wings spread out from her back, and the spines turn out to belong to a set of maces with gold gilding around them. She kind of does look like a butterfly. It's rather pret-

"You shit-flinging turd wings!"

...Huh? Did Miss Schulz really just-

"I'm gonna fucking kill every last one of you assholes!"

Is that really her voice? It sounds much more... Accented. And gruff. And... angry.

Miss Schulz, or the person that was Miss Schulz, dashes to the edge of the rooftop and screams, "Better run you sniveling little twats!" before jumping into the air. The wings on her back flap just those of a butterfly, and the whole thing would look very graceful, but-

Butterflies don't cuss like that.

"Get back here you sniggering fuckwads!"

Butterflies don't chase down birds with a killing intent.

"Burn in Hell, you smegma-sucking wankers!"

Butterflies don't vaporize birds with jagged bolts of lightning.

"Eat this!"

Butterflies don't club birds with spiked maces in a spectacular explosion of gore.

One of them manages to actually flap its way down to a spot a few feet to my right. I can't really bring myself to look at it, but I think it was missing part of one of its wings. And streaking out of the sky is the berserker, aiming a kick at the defenseless creature. I shut my eyes tightly before it happens.

There's a loud crunching sound, and something splatters against my sleeve. I don't want to look, though. I don't want to see any of it.

"What, does it hurt?"

No, no, focus on something nice. Focus on, uh... Focus on the teapot. Open your eyes and look at it and help yourself to some more tea before you're mashed into paste. I will myself not to indulge my curiosity in what the sadistic woman is doing to the remains of the unfortunate bird. Instead, I try to calm the fuck down and have some fucking tea and salvage my fucking day because I was actually enjoying myself for once.

There's a skull face on the teapot.

There's a skull face on the teapot.

There's a skull face on the teapot.

There's a fucking skull face on the teapot. And on the cups. And the plates kinda look bony, too. THE TABLE AND CHAIR LEGS ARE MADE FROM ACTUAL LEGS. HOW DID I NOT NOTICE THIS?

"That'll teach you, you vultures!" spits the madwoman before she walks back into my field of vision. The maces are gone, but she's covered in... I want to say I lost my appetite, but I can't stop eating.

"Terribly sorry you had to see that. I feel like I've lost my appetite, what about you?"

Ha... They're all batshit crazy. Every last one. I shouldn't have let my guard down. I shouldn't have eaten these addicting things. If this wasn't all so goddamn awful I'd be laughing.

"...Are you quite alright?"

"Fine!" I scream at psycho twat, spitting up crumbs as I talk, "Absolutely fine! No problems at-GODFUCKINGDAMMIT!"


"Rude! That's no way to behave!" SHUT UP!

"Consider this a small mercy, next time I may just kill you." JUST DO IT ALREADY YOU BITCH! GOD!

But she doesn't. Instead, fancy pants butcher girl takes all her stuff, but I grab every last goddamn cookie thing from her plate and clutch onto them like an addict, literally stuffing them into my mouth. She scoffs before putting her macabre collection into her inventory. "Bloody disgusting foreigners..." she calls callously before finally, FINALLY GOING AWAY.

Fucking hurts. Eating this fucking stuff off a fucking corpse garnished with fucking murder sauce and everything fucking hurts. And I have to stay up here or Fuckface is going to make things worse. I drop the rest of the cookies and let them break into crumbs on the ground. None of this is enjoyable anymore, and I'm getting cold and it's making my fucking shin hurt worse and I can't stop myself from screaming "GODDAMMIT WHY THE FUCK IS EVERYBODY SO FUCKING INSANE I CAN'T FUCKING TAKE THIS!"

In spite of literally fucking everything hurting, I can stand. Which means I can flip this fucking table. "FUCK YOUR TABLE!" And grab the chair I was using and bash the table with it, both of which prove really fucking unfairly hard to break. "FUCK YOUR CHAIRS!"

Well fuck, the fucking roses aren't immune to getting hit with a chair, so "FUCK YOUR FLOWERS!" I scream as I crush roses with the macabre stool.

And then I lose my fucking grip on the stupid fucking chair and it flies out of my reach and I'm just so fucking tired that I can't fucking stand anymore. I fall onto the ground and weakly punctuate my words by pounding the rooftop with my fist. "FUCK THE SIXTH! FUCK THE EIGHTH! FUCK THE INCUBATORS! FUCK MAGICAL GIRLS!"

I'm taking heavy gulps of air just so I can scream my throat raw, but fuck it, I want the world to know : "FUCK ALL OF THIS!"


What did Suzi say?

That she was a 'sheltered girl'?

Sheltered girl... Was it a bomb shelter?

Haha... ha... I want to cry and I can't even do that. Fuck me.