Magical Scribe Eleanor Slam and Magical Assassin Wendy Cooldown

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Today is a good day. And not just because it's a lazy Saturday afternoon.

The last couple weeks weren't so great, though. Fuckface kept popping in during my lunch breaks with these weird questions. I only allowed it at first because she brought food, but when I cut my mouth trying to swallow tomato soup with powdered glass in it, I wouldn't touch anything she gave me. Not even cake and ice cream.

It was really annoying, having to answer her retarded inquiries. And she kept shoving her own opinion into them. She'd ask where I came from, then blurt out that she grew up in Japan after moving from the States. Fuckface really loved to talk about herself, and ended up chatting through my break.

So she came back tomorrow with the same question. I said California and she went away.

She barged in again the next day and asked what I liked, then made the same mistake as before. The day after, I told her video games and sweet things, and she yelled something about using money from her giant robot fund. Later that night, I found a big new television in my room that didn't have the right connectors for the game console. The sentiment was nice, but what the fuck am I gonna do with it?

At this point she started keeping her answers brief. When she asked how I'd hope to die - who asks that sort of thing? - Fuckface exclaimed she wanted to explode into hellfire that kills two Walpurgisnachts at the same time. Checkers informed me later that such a thing is beyond impossible, and fucking retarded.

My response : "Painlessly, and soon". Shut her right up.

Last I saw her was Thursday, where she asked what I wanted. Other than her going away, I informed her that what I'd like is for everything to stop sucking. To never have to do any of this secretary bullshit ever again.

Yesterday was a good day, too. And not just because Fuckface didn't bug me.

Because Checkers finally came to visit!

Well, her and some other people as part of goodwill talks or something. I think one of them was the Warmaster? She was kind of loud, but she brought me this really good apple pie.

Checkers volunteered to keep watch over me or something like that. She said she was ducking out of having to take part in the negotiations. Totally understandable.

I'd never had a real slumber party before, and I don't think Checkers had, either, but I imagine it would be something like what we did last night. We had a pizza delivered to my room, and it didn't have any trace of whatever Fuckface put on the stuff she tried to force on me. There was only the cheese. So much goddamn cheese! We skipped pillowfighting due to lack of a good bed for it, and because Checkers said the Eversors around here could probably smell a battle from fifty feet away. "And you don't pillow fight with Eversors, kid," was her sage advice on the matter. "They'll shove their weapons in the damn thing." So none of that, then.

And Checkers brought the adapter for the television like she promised, and a controller to replace the one Fuckface broke, -and- some titles I hadn't played before. That meant not just video games, but two player M-rated video games with Checkers! It was a bloody good time, and the content restricted stuff was everything I'd hoped it would be.

And after that I tried styling her hair while she talked about her assignments and assassinations. It sounded scary, but they sounded like bad people. As it turns out, I'm not very good at styling hair, and after a few swears from Checkers, settled on leaving it undone until she bothered to put it back into pigtails. She assured me she wasn't mad, so everything was okay.

And now we're lazing the day away in bed, because we were up alllll night. Which is fine. It's definitely fine. The important thing is that before the day ends I'll be out of here.

Heehee... So long Australia, I'm almost gonna miss you.

My heart almost jumped out of my chest when I heard the knock on the door. Checkers was the first one to respond, growling "It's not locked."

The door was thrown open, and Checkers groaned, "Oh, it's Crazy Cunt."

That can only mean one person. I immediately retreated back beneath the covers and hoped she didn't notice me. Not her. Not here. Not now. Please just go away, you'll ruin everything.

"Cooldowwwwn!" Fuckface cried out, "Why? Why do you cower in the dank darkness while the sun is out and I'm about? Why do you not SEIZE the day and make it YOURS?" WHY is she here? "And I don't believe those are your pajamas." They were new ones from when we went shopping earlier, fuck you.

Checkers grumbles sleepily, "The day's already mine. In here. What do you want?"

"A GIIIIIANT FIGHTING ROBOT, WITH LASERS AND MISSILES AN-" What the hell is she even talking about? "Oh, at this moment? I saw the door was closed and deduced Slam was still sleeping soundly. Why're -you- here?" That doesn't explain anything. I curl into a fetal position and will her to leave.

"Maybe she's dead. Or she left." Checkers continues to distract Fuckface from finding me, stating, "...And I WAS sleeping you crazy whore."

But Fuckface is persistent. "That is simply NOT POSSIBLE, or else the seal I -painstakingly- placed on her door last night would be BROKEN."


"The fuck are you talking about?" mutters Checkers.

Fuckface stomps on over, declaring, "No time! I must find her, and YOU are coming with me!" Wait, don't do that-

I throw off the sheet as I hear them struggling, murmuring, "Leave her alone..."

Checkers looks mad, and whispers, "Dumbshit, I was trying to cover for you."

I whisper right back, "I wouldn't inflict her on anyone." Nobody deserves to be stuck with Fuckface, least of all her.

Grabbing me by the arm, the overeager Fuckface yanks me out of bed, yelling loudly, "COME ON, we're wasting daylight! For we are going on a WITCH HUNT!"

""What? No,"" Checkers and I both deadpan in unison. Fuckface just lost any and all goodwill I might have had towards her. A witch hunt? Going after giant abominations of hate and despair? Fuck this. I don't want any part of it.

"YYYYYESSS!" she exclaims, having none of our objections to her insanity. "The -sheer stress- of a life or death situation will awaken her LATENT POWER, with which she will PULVERIZE the opposition, and earn a FAR BETTER position as an Eversor, and thus a HIGHER STANDARD OF LIVING!" So reasons the asshole hauling us out of the room and off towards certain doom. This is a bad idea that's going to get us all killed. Or at least me; pretty sure Checkers and Fuckface aren't killable. I don't want to be killed. At least I think I don't want to be killed...

"But she's already-stop dragging me," Checkers growls, a kitchen knife manifesting in her hand. I'd be concerned if it was anybody else wielding it, or anybody else on the receiving end. "How the fuck are you so retard strong?!"

And Fuckface... Slows down and comes to a stop? She stopped. She stopped running. She just stopped running.

"Nnnn... FINE!" is our party crasher's response. Her face looks pained, like it contradicts her very nature, but I can feel her grip slack. She's actually letting us go!

Holy crap, Checkers, you're amazing. How did you do that, that was awesome. You got Fuckface to actually listen to you.

"I was told I should attempt to compromise, and so I ACQUIESCE to your demands!" Yes. Yes. Yes! Do that! Acquiesce away! Far, far away from us. Hell, I'll even take you off my shitlist for this, Fuckface. This is turning out to be a good day after-

Nonononononono don't do that! Stop doing that! Don't pick me up! Don't put me on your shoulders! I'm not a child you chicken shit! Let me go! Bad day alert! Code red! Defcon 1! RAISE THE "I'M GONNA FUCKING DIE" ALERT!

"Put me down, put me down, put me down, please put me down now!" I wail, clutching onto her head for dear life. I don't want to fall!

Fuckface, that awful Fuckface, has Checkers in both arms in a princess carry, looking -every bit- the evil villain who is abducting us that she is. Like a goddamn pirate. "And now, it is Crunch Time!" Fuckface declares. "Which to the uninitiated such as yourself means, in this instant, RUNNING AT FULL SPEED AAAAAAHAHAHAHAAA!" FUCK I ALMOST FELL! The bitch runs down the halls and towards a FUCK DON'T YOU DARE DO THAT! DO NOT JUMP OUT THAT WINDOW YOU HORRIBLE FUCKFACE!

Checkers raises her knife and screams, "I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL FIND SOME PART OF YOU I CAN STAB AND I WILL OPEN YOU UP!" She tries to stab at our kidnapper. The knife just dinks against Fuckface's skin without leaving any mark at all. I fucking knew it.

And Captain Fuckface laughs it off, "I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER MY BLOOD BOILING WITH PASSIOOOOOON!" Your brains are boiling you crazy cunt! Stop and think about this! Or -don't-, since you clearly lack the capacity to do so! Just leave Checkers out of it!

"Put her down pleeeeeease..." I beg, but my plea fails to elicit any response from the crazy bitch.

Checkers looks up at me with indignation and a severe frown, unable to wrench herself free from Fuckface's firm grip on her. "PAPERS," she screeches as Fuckface launches herself through the open window, "HOW IS SHE SO RETARD STRONG?"

"Welcome to my world," I murmur, squeezing my eyes shut as I experience the familiar sensation of hurtling towards the ground.