Magical Juggernaut Heather Crunch versus The Nakajima Sisters

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"Trial number one hundred and twenty seven," drones a dull voice in the background. "Diamond-tipped drill against Heather Crunch." A huge, wicked drill ROARS to life and approaches my wrist, my glorious costume already having been SHREDDED and SCORCHED in that area.

"And away we gooo!" shouts the cheerful girl as she brings the sinister implement in closer and closer. It makes contact with my unblemished skin, the bit STABBING against my muscles. The FRICTION and HEAT grow intense, but I barely even -feel- it!

From the looks of it, this place was an old warehouse before these two got to it, and they made sure it -looked- that way on the outside. Since we arrived, they have restrained me in heavy chains, with the winches bound into the foundation. Attached to my legs and wrists are tripwires, which are linked to explosive charges. There are weapons trained on my position, my -entire- torso -covered- in red beads! And beneath my feet is a tank filled with sharks that shoot LASERS from their mouths! I must give them credit for pulling all of that off so quickly before I could react.

After they bound me, the chipper one told me something about doing a few experiments. Something about testing how invincible I actually am. As the apparatus smokes from its fruitless endeavor, I'd say they have their answer. Though considering the various broken weapons scattered around, including a cement block that UTTERLY FAILED TO CRACK THE CROWN OF CRUNCH, they should have figured it out by now.

"Result is no damage, superficial or otherwise," speaks the demure one, writing something on a clipboard.

"Alrighty, Crunchy," quips the happy one, skipping towards me - stop looking at her legs, Crunch! "This has been reeeal informative, but now I need to inject some science into you." She has another syringe produced now, an eerie green liquid inside. "So if you could just keep your eyes open wide, that'd be swell~."

"And yet you have learned NOTHING!" I growl as she brings the syringe near my eyeball. "Otherwise you would RELEASE me, and relinquish your villainous ways!"

"But it's so much fun, isn't it?" is her VILE response. "Well, this might not be fun for you in a second-"

I turn my head away from the needle, muttering, "You'll taste justice from my Eversword soon enough."

"Eversword?" she titters, and I hear the sound of weapons priming at my disobedience. "Heehee, wh-"

"AAAAAALLLLLLLLL THE TIIIIIIIIMMMME!" I SHOUT from the very DEPTHS OF MY SOUL, YANKING the restraints out as the world turns red. The explosions that engulf my body would blow a LESSER person to smithereens. The volume of bullets blasting at me would shred a LESSER person. The shark lasers would scorch a LESSER person alive. Death would claim a LESSER person a thousand times over by now.


I encase the closest creature in tape and tug it towards me. While the water surrounding me muffles the outside world, I can still see red dots trained on my movements. Waiting, LURKING outside to rain ordnance down upon my being as soon as my hat leaves the waters.

Though they come at me crazed and shooting, the sharks scatter and run as soon as I start THRASHING them with the own kin. My makeshift club is soon too badly beaten and battered to be of any further use to me. NOW I can make my triumphant return. A HUGE mass of sticky silver strips fly up to the ceiling far above, but napalm immediately incinerates them. As I suspected. Thus, I must change tactics. The walls of the tank are too solid to climb out of, so that option is out. IF I WASN'T SO AMAZING, THAT IS!

I CLAW my way up, fingers and boots DIGGING into the wall and displacing the normally solid material. Gunfire pelts against me, but it fails utterly to even SLOW me, much less STOP my ascent! And soon, SOON I am FREE again!


...And change back into costume in an EXPLOSION OF LIGHT!

"Quick, Jade!" shouts the smiling girl from a ways back, "Use our Dream Combination Technique!" Something dings across the back of my head, and I turn to find the quiet girl - the one called "Jade", apparently - holding a dented folding chair.

"...It didn't work," she responds dully.

"She really IS invincible!" exclaims the villainous girl. "We'll have to go with the Rib Breaker Combo!"

The Jade one grapples me from behind as the amber-eyed assailant RUSHES me from the front! Fingers clawed, she attacks my ribcage! "Tickle tickle tickle tickle~!" I remove 'Jade' from my person by unhooking her arms, and then GRAB the nefarious girl by the wrists before she can escape!

"Ow ow ow ow, stop it, you're hurting meee!" she groans, slipping out of my HANDS OF JUSTICE with her WILY, SLIPPERY WICKEDNESS! "Need the Doomsday Drop done on this one, Jade!

A cinderblock CRUMBLES to uselessness after it breaks over my head, and a firebomb -explodes- over my chest immediately afterwards. And YET, even wreathed in flame, I stand stalwart and unbreakable!

"I am Heather Crunch, Eversor Rank Leader of the Sixth Officio," I cry out, whipping my cape around to smother the flames that dare ATTEMPT to burn brighter than I! "And YOU," I point to the sprightly one, "will YIELD to me, fiend!"

She has the NERVE to POUT and GRUMBLE at me, of all things, "And here I thought we were having fun."

"You tried to kidnap and drug me!" I snarl. And she shows no signs of ending these shenanigans. There's nothing for it.

I WILL the colossal red blade of mine into my right hand, swinging it while I point at her again with my left. "Enough games!" I declare. "Now we fight for REAL!"

"Sister," the jade-eyed girl warns sagely, falling back, "she looks serious. Perhaps you should take over."

The gleeful girl ponders the words of her doppelganger, and cheerily chirps, "Okey dokey, Crunchy, fun time's over now~."

A black, hooded cape appears from thin air in her hands and ENGULFS her briefly. When it flows back, she has CHANGED, CHANGED into her magical girl costume to fight this fight seriousl-

Wait, that's an apron, isn't it? And lacy stockings? Detached sleeves? And the cut that dress is DESPICABLY LOW AND DISTRACTING!

It is part of the plan, I'm sure. It's why I was unable to react to the incoming projectile until it was too late. Clouds of smoke ERUPT from the ground, COMPLETELY obscuring my vision. I stand vigilant, waiting for her to make the first strike.

"Heeere comes Amber!" calls my adversary from behind me. A FOOLISH MOVE, giving away your position like that. Fun, BUT FOOLISH IN A REAL BATTLE! I swivel around and stand my ground, ready to block whatever comes from-


Something slams into my back and launches me off the ground. I hadn't visualized my weapon as 'heavy' at the start of battle, so unfocused was I. I picture it now, and land on my feet, cracking the ground beneath from the impact. She's faster than I thought, but I'm sure the voice came from over-

"Fall From Grace!"

I spin around towards the source of the sound, and yet a pair of feet COLLIDES with my back again. BUT YOU WILL NOT DERAIL THE CRUNCH TRAIN THIS TIME! I do not budge an inch from the sneak attack, and spin around to strike her with-

"Bloody Sunday!"

"Nnngh!" She attacks from ABOVE this time, DRIVING a shaft of light into my shoulder blade. Of COURSE it didn't hurt, or penetrate, but it... Tingles very unpleasantly. And the area where it hit has a scorch mark.

"Thousand Needles!"

HOW DOES SHE KEEP GETTING BEHIND ME? She SLASHES me across the back, and when I try to slash back, there is nothing there. Something STABS me in the ribs, and then strikes my leg! Attacks come from EVERY ANGLE, and all I see are glimpses of a sword-like beam shaped suspiciously like a katana.

Why'd it have to be katanas? I NEVER win against people with katanas!


The attacks INCREASE in SPEED and INTENSITY, coming from EVERYWHERE at ONCE. Not good! My movements start to feel sluggish. Everywhere I swipe, I hit NOTHING at all!

Come on, Crunch. Think! What would Kharn do in this situation?

...Well, she'd make a gesture and take both of the girls to bed with a bucket of-


Enough games! I came here to turn over a new leaf! And if that means defeating a lightning-fast wielder of my weapon-y nemesis, THEN HEATHER CRUNCH WILL CUT THROUGH THAT BLADE WITH HER EVERSWORD!

"As much fun as this is," I bellow aloud, even as the attacks keep coming, "I'm afraid you've been CAUGHT ON TAPE! HA!"

Like a blossoming flower, my great and binding sticky tape POURS FORTH from my sleeves in a TORRENT of ribbons! It FILLS the air around me on both sides, then front, then above and below, even as I have an ALL-ENCOMPASSING network of sticky tape. Even if I cannot see the attacks coming, I can make it so that they CANNOT EVER REACH ME! YES, SUCH INGENUITY IS POSSIBLE FOR HEATHER CRUNCH!

And already, I sense movement over...

"Jaaaaade! Stop the cheer routine and get the chainsaw, now!"


Swiftly grabbing hold of the relevant strands, I tug with MONSTROUS FORCE! There is a yelp of surprise from my KATANA-USING ATTACKER before a figure stumbles into my arms! I got her now! She confirms it by screaming, "Kyaaaa~! Jade, help, I'm being ravished!"

What the, I'm not- ARGH, AGAIN she slips away! "Stop doing that!" I shout after my rival!

"Make me~!" she jeers infuriatingly. STILL she is able to elude my grasp, and yet a ray of hope shines through the darkness! Literally! The smoke is thinning, and I can see again! And with her still struggling against the bindings, I break into a full run towards her, letting out a primal ROAR OF BATTLE! My limbs feel heavy and weak, BUT THERE IS NO STOPPING THE CRUNCH TRAIN!

"Son of a submariner, she's still going," my foe murmurs in hushed awe as she clutches the sword, its beam humming and flickering.

"Amber," says the other girl, worry creeping into her voice, "perhaps we should-"

"Get behind the blast shield, Jade!" 'Amber' interrupts, flipping a series of switches on her blade. "I'm going all out!"

"HA! Now THAT'S what I like to hear!" I switch to a two-handed grip to oblige her, willing the Eversword to be dense and heavy. "Don't hold back!"

"Go easy on me, okay~?" my opponent teases, her blade humming loudly as it grows. Erupting through the ceiling, its edges jagged like lightning, its HEAT palpable. It is almost BLINDING to look upon.

She's grinning at me. I'm grinning at her. In this moment, right here, there is no good or evil, no right or wrong. Only two worthy opponents facing each other down on the field of battle. Loving every second of it.

But the moment must pass! She swings the tremendous blade, cutting through the roof like it's not even there. "ANARCHY IN THE GALAXY!" she cries out.

I bring my sword up to block as the surging, scorching energy CRASHES into it, sending up SHOWERS of sparks! Either the intensity is that great, I am that weakened, or both, but the heat actually -HURTS-, and she FORCES me into a crouch! I cannot win like this!

I put my sword's weight into pushing the searing beam of death back, drawing on my innermost reserves to repel it! The arc is thrown back only for an instant, but that's all the opening I need. I think BIG and HEAVY, and my blade EXTENDS, taking out the far wall! Again I beat the beam back, and again the Eversword grows larger, until it DWARFS her blade!


"MINE'S BIGGER!" I yell, as I put EVERYTHING into a single attack, my bright red blade BURNING with INTENSITY AND FIRE!



...The Eversword flakes away like flower petals in the wind. I'm breathing heavily. I've broken into a sweat. The fringes of my coat are charred. Spots dance in my vision. And my hands are shaking. 'Amber' doesn't seem to have it much better, and is flat on her back taking big gulps of air.

That was... Fun? Fulfilling? Whatever it was, I feel serene at the moment. But I'm not done here yet.

I stride over to where my opponent has fallen to claim my prize. -This- particular piece is going in a special part of my collection, framed and mounted on the wall!

...Stop gawking at her chest heaving and check her hands for that weap-

"...What happened to your hands?!" I exclaim in shock! Her hands are -charred-! Some spots even expose the bone!

"Heehee, don't worry about it..." she replies with a smile, wiggling her fingers, "I'm immortal~."

I offer a hand, and she giggles before grasping it. I help her back onto her feet - she winces a couple times - and I smile a winner's winning smile right back.

It's here that the other girl reappears. "Sister," she intones, "perhaps now we should explain to Miss Crunch why we're here before any further misunderstandings occur."

"Aww, you're such a party pooper, Jade," 'Amber' murmurs, lips curling into a pout.

Looking me in the eyes and throwing up a salute, she explains, "Well, Crunchy, we're here on behalf of the Eighth to keep an eye on you!"

"Heehee... I wanted to test your invincible body~," she remarks, "and holy crackers, the rumors were true!"

That's RIGHT! They kidnapped and experimented on me! "Rrrrregardless of your intentions," I proclaim, "I MUST take you in for your transgressions!"

"So you're going to ravish me after all~?" Amber inquires, batting her eyelids-


"You're blushiiiing!" SHE TAUNTS ME!


"Aiyaaah! Crunch why you back here? You go home now!"

HERE I stand again before the Spiritual Liege of the Seventh! I have BOTH of these perpetrators FIRMLY in my grasp this time, BOUND to my hands with tape to prevent any further escapes!

"Ahahaha," the noisy one laughs, "that IS really your name!" What's wrong with my name? It's a great name!

The honorable Spiritual Liege looks -disgusted- with her, MUCH LIKE MYSELF, and shrieks, "You go away, devil girl! I throw needles again!"

"I've got some needles for you, too~," the devil girl responds.

"SPIRITUAL LIEGE!" I speak LOUDLY to CEASE this chatter before the situation ESCALATES ANY FURTHER, "I have CAPTURED this rogue and her accomplice and would requ-"

"Why you bring her here?" she interrupts me YET AGAIN! I DISLIKE HAVING INTERRUPTIONS HAPPEN TO ME!

I query quizzically, "What do you m-"

"Why you bring devil girl to Xiaomei?" is her reiterated question, and she declares, "I not even touching that one. You keep her!"


"BUT I H-"

"Go away!" she screams, and SLAMS THE DOOR ON US! HOW ABSOLUTELY RUDE!

"Woohoo!" cheers the SOURCE of my CURRENT IRE. "Another flawless operation with no negative consequences!" She holds up a bandaged hand, and her sister compliments the gesture, culminating in a HIGH FIVE! THE GALL OF THESE TWO! I am OUTRAGED AND APPALLED!

UN-willing to linger in the presence of this TERRIBLE DEGENERATE ANY LONGER, I RELEASE them and MARCH BACK TO TOWN!

"Heyyyy!" calls the LOUD AND TACTLESS GIRL! "Let's go get ice cream, Crunchy~."


"Please?" SHE PERSISTS! I SPIN AROUND to VOICE MY DISAPPROVAL, but all I see is her sister clasping her hands together and looking blankly at me.

"Pretty pleeeease~?" she calls out from AHEAD of me, having SOMEHOW overtaken me!


"I'll give this cool sword if you do~."

"Here you are, then! One dish of Very Berry Strawberry..."

"Yay~!" squeals Amber as she receives a bowl containing ice cream the same hue as her hair.

" Triple Chocolate Fudge..."

"Thank you," replies Jade as the server hands her a cone saturated in chocolate.

"...and one Strawberry Rocky Road Flambé in a waffle bowl."

I grunt in acknowledgement at my order as the server leaves us be. The ice cream's still burning. Normally that wouldn't stop me, but...

...How did they rope me into PAYING for this? The loser is supposed to do what the -winner- says.

I look at the both of them. Amber Nakajima. Jade Nakajima. Sisters. The former from the Eighth, the latter from the Seventh. They introduced themselves as such after much questioning.

"Crunchyyyy," whines Amber, frowning at me and showing her bandaged hands, "I can't hold my spooooon! And Jade has her hands full!"

I GLARE and GLOWER at her. She just pouts harder, and I have to turn away. When I said Heather Crunch burns hotter and brighter than any star, I did NOT mean like this. Her giggling only makes it WORSE!

This... Why?! Why am I losing to my emotions HERE? Is this her power, WEAKENING my resolve? Is this part of my penance? Having to deal with Amber's UNWANTED advances? Advances from this BEGUILING SIREN that tries to TEMPT me?

...Actually, perhaps there is something I can do after all. Yes! I can set her down the path of righteousness!

"Only you can do it, Crunchy!" Amber pleads, eyes sparkling, lip trembling, "Please help me, oh great hero~!"

HAHA! So THIS is how I redeem myself! By finally, TRULY helping somebody in a meaningful way! If that is what it takes, if I must SUFFER through this THOROUGHLY UNDESIRED AFFECTION, then...

I GRASP the spoon TIGHTLY, SCOOPING UP the pink-red frozen dessert, and bring it closer, CLOSER toward her mouth!