Magical Juggernaut Heather Crunch versus Formula H

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“What if, hypothetically, you ingested an INSIDIOUS CONCOCTION that gave you an… an extra appendage?”

Nakajima (Amber), Other Nakajima (Jade), and the Soul Temperer (Valentina Tenko) look up from their dinner plates and stare at me with –incredulity-! Admittedly, this is probably NOT an appropriate conversation topic during dinner! A VERY well-made dinner, in fact! Hamburger steak, done to PERFECTION by yours truly, and… other stuff by the Nakajimas. NOT IMPORTANT! Nakajima is the first one to regain her senses and speak up, and does so with a cu- SINISTER smile on her face! “What, like a third leg?” she asks, her voice chipper as per usual.

“Well, actually, I meant-“

“A third leg,” the Soul Temperer interrupts, putting down her silverware and clasping her hands over her SIGNIFICANT bosom! ”If I grew wings, I could become the actual Yatagarasu!” She closes her eyes and sighs cu- LEWDLY, seemingly lost in a daydream, which gets a cut- EVEN MORE SINISTER GIGGLE FROM NAKAJIMA! And they STILL haven’t answered my question!

“I think you missed the most obvious symbolism there, Miss Tenko,” Other Nakajima comments before I can steer the conversation back on track. I’m NOT really sure what she MEANS here – non-weapon mythology REALLY ISN’T my forte!

The Soul Temperer opens one eye to glance at Other Nakajima, her expression unchanging. “I am making an effort to be presentable, Eye of the Storm,” she explains, then shuts her eye again. “Discussing the mighty one-eyed monster during dinner would spoil the appetites of other people.”

“The what?” I ask the Soul Temperer. Is that what a Yatagarasu is? I know I don’t know much about it, but I was SURE it was some sort of CROW!

“The purple-headed soldier,” the Soul Temperer says, as though THAT explains ANYTHING!

“Who?” Is that another mythological figure?

“The tube steak,” she says, making a vague gesture with her hand.

I shake my head. “Never heard of that.”

Both eyes now open, the Soul Temperer now makes a tugging motion with her hand. “The pork sword,” she says.

“Or that.” Are we still on mythology here, because I thought I’d heard all weapon-related mythology in the –world- by now!

“The throbbing python of love,” replies the Soul Temperer, jerking harder while making her hand with a fist.

“You lost me,” I tell her. These myths are getting –weird-.

“The bald-headed yogurt slinger?” she asks, seemingly frustrated about something.

“Is this one of those ‘innuendo’ things you were telling me about the other day?” I venture, as I’m STARTING to BELIEVE that there MIGHT be something unsavory –implied- here!

“The third leg!” pipes up Nakajima, to my UTTER FRUSTRATION!

I whirl around, nearly bumping my mug of coffee off the table, and shout, “I WAS –REFERRING- TO-“


…It never ceases to amaze me that Other Nakajima can seemingly disappear from my perception. Moreover, it never ceases to amaze me how unabashedly –vulgar- her –vocabulary- can be! AND how she can say it with such a placid facial expression! The other two are nodding at her utterance, as though that were the answer to EVERYTHING!

Well, okay, it –was- the answer to my question, anyway.

“Yes,” I reply slowly, studying my spoon with great intensity. “That is, that is what I was referencing, yes.” I clear my throat and look back to the others, smiling to lighten the mood some. “SO!” I shout, pointing at them, “WHAT would YOU DO if a WICKED ELIXER granted YOU...” For reasons COMPLETELY UNRELATED to EMBARRASSMENT, my voice drops to a whisper when I say “a penis.”

Everyone finds that –funny- for some reason! Nakajima is bent double and pounding her fist on the table, some of her drink –leaping- out of the mug and staining the table! The SOUL TEMPERER turns her head to the side and tries to HIDE her amusement! Even Other Nakajima is covering her mouth to MUFFLE her MIRTH, though her SHOULDERS are SHAKING from laughter!

…Suddenly my reflection in my spoon is EXTREMELY INTERESTING!

Nakajima tries and fails to speak coherently for several attempts at conversation. Not that she has anything of SUBSTANCE to SAY! “Oh my god, that’s adorable!” she howls, choking back tears from how hard she’s laughing.


SLAMMING my hands on the table to grab EVERYONE’S attention, I yell back, “THAT’S WHAT SHE’D SAY!”

Yeah. That HUMILIATING HUMBLING made her quiet down pretty quickly! The others are ALSO struck silent, staring at me in SHOCK! No doubt they are in AWE of my BRILLIANT COMEBACK! Me, I pick up my fork and take a bite of hamburger steak; it tastes like victory.

“Let it be known,” the Soul Temperer says slowly, “that the Child of Chaos was sickly burned.” An angrily flustered Nakajima tries to shove her out of her chair, but only succeeds in causing some measure of jiggling from her… peaches. Other Nakajima sagely nods.

Dropping my fork so that it clatters on the plate, I return to the original topic. “ANYWAY!” I exclaim, “POTION THAT GIVES YOU A YOU-KNOW-WHAT! NAKAJIMAAAA! What would –you- do?”

“I would-“


“Pee in Tina's laundry,” Nakajima replies casually, as though that were a perfectly –normal- response. The Soul Temperer glares at her, and, possibly misinterpreting the gesture, she then explains, “I can do it squatting but it's super awkward.”

I clap quietly at her response. “BETTER than I thought it would be and ACTUALLY kind of funny!” I tell her.

This puts a smile back on her face, and she giggles at me. “Awww, thanks, Crunchy~,” she says. The Soul Temperer ANGRILY bites into a piece of fruit but OTHERWISE stays quiet!

I didn’t forget about you, geez.

“SOUL TEMPERER!” I proclaim, getting her to look back at me. “What would YOU do?”

Swallowing her meal, the Soul Temperer sets down the succulent fruit and uses her napkin to wipe something from her mouth.“Time permitting,” she replies with a slight smile, gesturing towards us all, “everyone in this room.”

None of us are surprised at this. “I SHOULD have seen that coming!” I comment.

“That’s what-“

“OTHERRRR NAKAJIMAAAA!” I interrupt Nakajima, so that I might get a response from OTHER NAKAJIMA!

With disquieting serenity, Other Nakajima growls, "I would probably break it off in Amber's -ass- for slipping me one of her drugs again." She gives a sidelong glance at her sister, who COWERS under her withering gaze!

…-Again-? This happened -before-?

"That sounds like it would really hurt...” Nakajima warns, her sister smiling pleasantly at her in response. “...both of us," Nakajima clarifies.

“Then don’t do it,” Other Nakajima tells her, then goes back to her meal as though nothing happened. Same with the Soul Temperer, choosing to enjoy her dinner rather than FURTHER ANTAGONIZE NAKAJIMAAA!

“Booooooo,” Nakajima jeers, sticking her tongue out and getting NO response from her TACITURN TWIN! Bored with THAT, she looks back at me and says, “Crunchyyyyy, aren’t you thirstyyy?” Gesturing to my as-yet untouched mug of coffee, eyes darting between me and said drink.

“Right now I only thirst for ANSWERS, NAKAJIMAAAA!” I declare, Nakajima staring at me intently and –unnervingly-! It is making me UNCOMFORTABLE!

“But I made it speciallllllll!” she whines, seemingly forgetting she should be FROWNING when she does that!

“DID you now?” I ask her inquisitively while smirking, eyebrow QUIRKED, in a manner reminiscent of Madge’s bouts of –incredulity-.

“I didn’t put any Formula H in iiiit!” she asserts, finally remembering to pout cute- EVILLY! AND FURTHERMORE, she seems to have realized she JUST made a mistake. Trying a different tactic, she asks me, “You’re breaking my heart here, Crunchy. When have I ever lied to you?" Other Nakajima looks like she just –narrowly- avoided choking on her food, and Nakajima tries to pout even HARDER to –distract- me!

It doesn’t work. "All the time," I answer bluntly.

"I mean about important stuff!” she clarifies, standing up in her seat.

"ALL THE TIME!" I reiterate.

"Gawd, I MEAN about my feelings," she says in desperation, trying to change the focus of her questions.

I point at her with my fork while pointing –out-, "You’ve made it –explicitly- clear that you DON’T LIKE HAVING THOSE!"

With a deserved look of defeat, Nakajima settles back into her seat. She still keeps glancing at my mug now and again, which I have still left untouched.

That’s right, you just got Crunched on, Nakajima. Suck on –that-!

“Seeing as you brought it up, Seeker of Enlightenment,” the Soul Temperer says suddenly, “what would you do if you took a ‘hypothetical’ dick potion.” This brings everyone’s focus back to –me-.

JUST as planned!

Slowly, -slowly- finishing the last of my meal, I take a deep breath to build up even MORE suspense! And to wait for Nakajima to start drinking. And then, THEN, I stand up and proclaim, “-I- would TAKE Nakajima-“ I shake my head at Other Nakajima when she looks like she’s going to start again “-and put it in her BUTT!"

HA! PERFECTLY EXECUTED SPIT-TAKE BY NAKAJIMA! All are once again shocked, SHOCKED at my words! SCRUTINIZING me as though I would say JUST KIDDING or something, but they only find my WINNING SMILE!

So INSTEAD they look to the recovering Nakajima, who’s wiping down her face and no doubt hiding her HUMILIATION! Finally, she flatly says, "Haha, what." Trying to laugh off my words.

I shake my head, my CERTAIN WILL –RESOLUTE-! "No, really! I'd JAM it in your butt!” I assure her. “Because it'd almost -certainly- be your FAULT somehow!"

“Uh, probably?” Nakajima admits, though she is most CERTAINLY ANXIOUS NOW! “But why that?”

Folding my arms over my OWN magnificent mammaries, like an ABSOLUTE BADASS, I POINT toward Nakajima, who FLINCHES at the sight of my mighty digit! “A demonstration of the UNPLEASANT CONSEQUENCES of your SHORT-SIGHTED and MALICIOUS ACTIONS!” I explain, throwing my arms WIDE! “A LEARNING EXPERIENCE you NEED to HAVE!”

"Y-you don't meeean thaaaaat,” she –insists-, a bead of sweat forming on her brow.

Sitting back down, I coolly, calmly, and collectedly ask her a simple, if impossible question: "When have I ever lied to you?"

Nakajima has no answer for that and sits there speechless, though not for lack of trying. Her eyes wide with shock and her mouth flapping, she practically looks like a goldfish. In her UTTER DESPERATION, she looks for support from her sibling and the Soul Temperer! And she finds NO SALVATION THERE!

“I would -absolutely- stick it in your butt,” I reaffirm, drawing her attention back to me. And then her eyes drift toward my –seemingly- innocuous mug.

So this is what bullying is like, is it? It really is something. I’d better be careful, or I might get addicted to it.

“O-Oh!” Nakajima shouts, jumping out of her seat hard enough that the chair falls back. “That coffee’s gotten cold, hasn’t it, Crunchy?” she says, reaching for the the still-steaming drink. “Lemme just reheat it for you and-“

I lightly deflect her wrist with my hand, and pick the mug up by the handle. I gaze at it, as though it were the most intriguing thing in the world…

And I turn to face Nakajima with a dangerous smile.

“Wouldn’t it be INTERESTING,” I muse, “if such a thing was in the drink you ‘made special’ for me? Such as a hypothetical ‘Formula H’ that I saw YOU –generously- pour into my drink while my back was turned?” My voice lowers until it’s little more than a (loud) breathy hiss, and I s l o w l y reveal the reason for my complete domination of this conversation: “I could -see- it reflected off my –spoon-, -Nakajima-.”

Nakajima lets out a small yelp when I say her name, her legs refusing to allow her any escape. So she is forced to watch, to gaze in horror, as I lift the mug – pinky out, because I want to rub it in – and gulp down the scalding beverage. Unblinking, not breaking my stare into her trembling amber eyes. I don’t even –wince- such is my control, as it –attempts- to burn the insides of my mouth. And, as bitter as it is, it leaves a sweet aftertaste in my mouth as I utterly consume it. Some of it dribbles on my lips, and I lick it up, making Nakajima gasp.

…YES, I can –feel- it BURNING in my gut AND IN MY LOINS! Filling me with POWER! With –PURPOSE-! I –adjust- my posture by parting my legs open, annnnnd…

"I...” Nakajima rasps, finally finding the strength to move her trembling legs. “I… have a... thing," she finishes lamely, pointing her thumb behind her shoulder. Still watching me as she backs away.

"WHAT AN EERIE COINCIDENCE!" I declare, before LEAPING out of my seat! BEFORE she can escape, BEFORE the chair hits the ground, I am ON HER, PINNING HER TO THE GROUND FROM BEHIND! “HERE COMES THE CRUNCH TRAIN, NAKAJIMAAAAA!” I bellow, eliciting a SHRIEK of TERROR from her! ARMS held down, my body STRADDLING her back, her legs SQUIRMING, I RADIATE -DOMINANCE- and –CONTROL- right now! Her head turns back, PLEADING for it to stop before it’s even begun!


I lean in closer. Gently grinding against her soft, warm and inviting body, and making her shiver. I can hear her heartbeat over her short, panicked breaths.

Closer. Close enough to smell the sweet fragrance of strawberries in her hair. Close enough to see her lips quivering. Close enough to see the hesitation in her eyes; as though, in spite of her fear, on some level she wants it.

And then, I whisper, my hot breath gently tickling her ear: "It’s a good thing I dumped it out, isn't it?"

“H… huh?”

Understandably, she is confused, so I state it louder.

“I said, it’s a good thing I dumped the coffee with the formula in it and poured myself a new cup.” And the whole fear thing is, admittedly, a turn-off.

Letting go of her wrists, I semi-reluctantly stand back up. And do the –honorable- thing, and offer my vanquished foe a hand.

Nakajima grabs my arm with both of her hands. She looks up at me with an uncharacteristic shyness, and cutely bites her lip. I can’t bring myself to do anything while she looks at me like that. It’s just…

But her hesitation lasts only for an instant, before she tugs me off-balance. I fall onto my hands and knees on top of her, and she wraps her slender arms around my neck. Nakajima closes her eyes and pulls herself up, locking her lips against mine. My bangs brush against her face as she interrupts my exclamation of surprise with a gentle kiss.

And then, there is only her. Her warmth. Her fragrant scent. Her soft lips. Her quiet moans. A taste of something sweet. And a deep feeling of contentment…

"I dunno,” Nakajima says with a giggle, bringing me back to reality, “I might like it if it's you~."

Somehow it’s –me- being helped back onto MY feet in this situation! My face burns hotly as I realize that not only did that happen, but it was witnessed by other people as well! People gaping at me in a way that makes me want to bury my face in my hands! I can’t believe I let this happen!

“Nakajima, what the -hell-?” I exclaim exasperatedly at the woman who pulled such an outrageous, if not entirely unlikeable, stunt.

“Well,” she says quietly while one of her feet traces circles on the floor, “you were actually pretty cool and smart and, um, dashing right there, y’know? I couldn’t help it.”

“You think so?” I ask sincerely. Nobody’s ever called me cool, smart, -or- dashing before now. And she’s actually nodding in response.

“No, no, NO, wait a minute!” I suddenly shout, removing an offending smile from my face for a more SERIOUS expression. “That’s not what I was trying to do! I wanted to scare you straight!”

"Sorry, Crunchy, I think I'm gayer than ever after that~,” she says.

Other Nakajima suddenly steps forward, having gotten up at some point. After awkwardly brushing her bangs to the side, she smiles sweetly at me, her cheeks bearing the tiniest hint of a blush. "...You really surprised me back there," she commends.

Well… Well, shoot, I can’t really brag about it after hearing something like that. This is so embarrassing. Not a –bad- kind of embarrassing, but it still makes my body flush with heat.

“…it was nothing special, y’know?” I say after a while, trying to look humble. I mean, I am proud of what I pulled off, but I didn’t think it’d work out like this. And I can’t get that kiss out of my mind.

“Don’t be so modest,” the Soul Temperer says, looking surprisingly pleased in spite of everything. “I daresay that set my heart aflutter, Truth-Seeker. And it somehow feels like you’ve really matured as a person.” She puts her hand on my shoulder, and I let her leave it there. It feels comforting. Sincere.

“…thank you. All of you,” I murmur, lightly rubbing at my eyes. “Really.” I really don’t know what else to do. How can anything follow up what just happened?

Something buzzes from the kitchen, breaking this strange mood that came over all of us.

“Excelsior!” exclaims the Soul Temperer, who clasps her hands together and runs into the kitchen. “The peach cream pie just finished baking!” Right, we finishing up dinner, and she was handling desserts. She’s shockingly good at handling desserts.

“You still have an appetite?” Nakajima asks me while the Soul Temperer returns. The sight of her wearing pink oven mitts makes me laugh, though I manage a nod.

And then, there was pie.

“Busteeeeed,” taunts Nakajima towards the guilty Soul Temperer. The guilty Soul Temperer caught RED-HANDED trying to add Formula H to my drink!

“I really expected better from you,” I scold the Soul Temperer. I’m scowling at her so hard it’s starting to hurt.

“I am sorry, Seeker of Enlightenment,” says a stone-faced Soul Temperer. “Are you going to punish me for it?” She’s not doing a good job of hiding her enthusiasm at –all-!

“You don’t –look- or –sound- sorry,” I growl. “Did you REALLY think you could repeat what Nakajima pulled yesterday and hope for a POSITIVE outcome?”

“You seemed very at peace with the growth of a mighty oak, o Truth-Seeker,” the Soul Temperer replies back, as though that made everything okay.

It does NOT!

I walk across the kitchen and grab an empty mug from the cupboard. Then I pour myself some fresh hot coffee. Carefully keeping my expression –blank-, I return to stand in front of the Soul Temperer and Nakajima. And Other Nakajima, who was blending in better than most Callidus ever could. They are puzzled by my behavior, which means the Soul Temperer cannot stop what I am about to do next.

Which is break the mug, scalding hot coffee and all, over the Soul Temperer’s –unbelievably dense- head!

"Hah! Even this kind of affection from my Lover of Truth is sweet!” she says immediately, SOMEHOW seemingly unphased by the entire thing! “If you wish to discipline me, Heather Crunch, you will need a MUCH bigger mug!"

Apparently she didn’t think I would take her up on her challenge. Because she expressed surprise when I grabbed her by the shoulders and slammed my forehead against hers. It hurts like hell, but it was very satisfying in a way. And it’s enough to knock her to the ground, clutching her head in pain that she does NOT derive pleasure from!

"I don’t like being taken advantage of, -Soul Temperer-," I chide her. I can’t believe I have to scold her like this. I thought she knew better!

Humbly hanging her head, the Soul Temperer states, “My sincerest apologies. It won’t happen again.”

"Hah!” taunts Nakajima, ruining an otherwise constructive moment of bonding. “Eat it, tryhard!" The Soul Temperer, to her credit, doesn’t fall for the bait.

Spinning about to face Nakajima, I warn her, "I'm still not convinced that –you- actually learned a positive lesson from last time.” Indeed, she ended up being –rewarded- for her trickery and sabotage! I should NOT be encouraging her to do such things, no matter HOW well she kisses! ”I may need to put you in a time out after all."

Of course she’s dismissive. "Pfft, like that'll-"

"While I overwrite all your old saves for all your games," I add.

All the color drains out of Nakajima’s face at my threat. She desperately starts shaking her otherwise unmoving sister, shouting, "Jaaaaaaade! Crunchy's gone, like, super, ‘Even-Amber-Is-Afraid’ evil!"

And she get NO HELP FROM THAT QUARTER! For OTHER NAKAJIMA slowly claps at my declaration! That’s right, it was a GOOD one!

With no other options, Nakajima is forced to SURRENDER! "I'll be good, I'll be good! I swear!" she pleads.

“HELL YEAH!” I shout to the room at large, striking a pose of TRIUMPH! “Even THIS sort of impossible task is POSSIBLE FOR HEATHER CRUNCH! WHAT DO YOU THINK, EVERYONE?”

“I think this story sucks, and in a bad way,” Nakajima’s voice rings out.

“Well SCREW YOU, NAKAJIMAAAA!” I snap back. She throws one of the couch cushions at me, and it beans me in the face hard enough to leave a mark!

“But you didn’t though,” she retorts, sing-songing, “and that’s why it suuuuuucks!”

“When’s the fucking?” asks the Soul Temperer, seated as she is in the armchair across from mine. “And where are the dicks? You implied there would be dicks.” She rests her chin on her hand, glaring at me. “And thus far, the only dick in the story is you, Seeker of Wisdom.”


“Uh, it totally should have been. That’s the only reason we listened as long as we did.” For whatever reason, Nakajima seems exasperated, as though –I’M- the one at fault here. “Like, I know you’re dumb, but holy carp, did you OD on stupid pills today? Why did you even start talking about this if there wasn’t going to be any action in it?”

I loudly clear my throat to regain control of the conversation. "ANYWAY!” I say aloud, “THAT is what would happen if you spiked my drink with some kind of...” my voice trails off before I mumble, “penis formula.” Which makes Nakajima cackle like the wicked girl she is!

“Watching you stammer through all those swears and words for ‘dick’ was probably the best part,” she admits, wearing a cruel smirk as she jumps to her feet. “I mean, you’re how old again? Call them dicks, Crunchy.” She gestures towards me with her hand encouragingly while walking closer. “Diiiiiiicks.”

“NEVERRRR!” I shout defiantly!


I SHOVE her back toward the couch, SCREAMING, “PERSONAL SPACE!” And this just makes her laugh AGAIN!

There’s a polite cough from the Soul Temperer, before she starts talking in a low, defeated voice. "I once heard a tale about a puella maga who traveled the world to return something precious to a dear friend of hers. She braved impossible odds and fierce adversaries, spending many, many years on this quest. She sacrificed everything, out of love and loyalty to her friend, to accomplish this mission. Finally, she found her friend, her dear, dear friend, and brought her the precious gift she lost.” She sighs and shrugs her shoulders before finishing her tale with “the friend said 'that's not mine', and both of them were immediately eaten by a witch."

I think on it for a second, but there doesn’t seem to be any sort of concealed lesson to be found in it. Nakajima is looking at her, but isn’t saying anything. So I have to ask her, "Soul Temperer, what does-"

"Somehow,” she interrupts, “your story is infinitely more disappointing and depressing, o unerring Seeker of Celibacy. I couldn’t get off to it at all.” She folds her arms over her formidable bosom and huffs. “Why did the Child of Chaos get the kiss anyway?

“And she ruined that part, too,” complains Nakajima about my gloriously articulated romance scene! “Yeah, I mean she’s cute, but ‘dashing’?” She looks back at me, eyebrow cocked. “You sure you don’t have a dick? Because you were really jerking yourself off there.”And makes an odd pumping gesture with her hand.


“Well, you’re not cool or dashing, Crunchy,” she says as though that were a simple statement of fact. “That’s Sayaka’s shtick, and you’re just too goofy to pull it off.” Even the Soul Temperer is nodding at this.

And that seems to be the end of it. I don’t have any comeback to that, and the others don’t look like they even want to talk to me.

…Goddammit, always comparing me to Miki. Miki doesn’t even have a hat.

“I’m extremely upset right now, Miss Crunch.”

The sober, quiet voice of other Nakajima cuts the sudden silence. And it carries an edge to it that makes my hair stand on end. I didn’t realize just how scary she could get. Even Nakajima seems to be putting distance between herself and her sibling on the couch.

“Er, Other Nakajima?”

"It was highly self-indulgent, utterly contrived, and very patronizing,” she says, her tone and facial expressions no different from how bland they normally are. And yet there’s something menacing about them now. “And I would never fawn over you like that,” she adds.

“Okay,” I admit, “that was wrong and I was wrong.“ I didn’t even want to add that part, but the voice in the back of my mind taunted me for leaving her out.

…Was that part of its plan? To get me in trouble like this? Or was that just my fault?

“I thought you were better than this,” she scolds, shaking her head. “Sadly, I was mistaken. You have somehow managed to be a bigger narcissist than the biggest narcissist I’ve ever known.”

“I-I’ll do better next time,” I assure her.

She’s glaring at me! How can she glare when her face is exactly the same as it always is?! “Don’t,” she tells me. “Just leave me out of your dumbass fantasies.”

And once again, the entire room falls silent. Everyone goes from watching Other Nakajima quietly call me out to looking at me with…

Oh my god, they’re pitying me!

“…You guys didn’t even like it?” I ask, and all of them shake their heads in unison. “None of it?” I ask, desperation edging into my voice.

After an awkward glance shared between herself and the Soul Temperer, Nakajima scratches at the back of her head and admits, "Well, I liked the part where Eurotrash got Glasgow kissed into the ground."

The Soul Temperer snorts with amusement. “Ah, but I doubt that even a dick formula would give our timid Seeker of Truth the balls to go through with that.”

“Oooh, burned!” exclaims Nakajima – pulling in reality what I merely described doing – and high-fiving the Soul Temperer. “But yeah. Other than that, no, not really.” She shrugs at me. “It seemed pretty vanilla, anyway.”

“It was little more than ego stroking,” adds the Soul Temperer, which gets nods from the others. “It was leading the audience to expect something, then not giving it to them, and smugly laughing in their faces for expecting it.” I… I didn’t do that, did I? I told them that’s not what it was about, right? “You baited us with honey and then blocked us out of the hive, Truth-Seeker.”


I messed up.

"Also I have a question," states other Nakajima.


Taking a deep breath, Other Nakajima asks me, "...What possessed you to start telling this absurd tale in the first place?"

"THAT...” I shout, or at least start shouting before my train of thought derails. “That is... uh... ...well it seemed like a very... Nakajima thing to do."

“No, I understand that. I mean why did you suddenly launch into this rant about a futa formula? We didn’t ask for this story, you just started talking while we were all sitting here quietly and relaxing. We thought there was a point, so we didn’t ask you to shut up before now, but perhaps we should have.”

…Other Nakajima’s words cut harshly. “Er…” I start, but she cuts me off.

“It was a complete and utter waste of our time.”

“Well, perhaps not completely wasteful,” offers the Soul Temperer. Dare I hope that she has found something meaningful in all this? “It showed what she thought of us.” That’s… not what I was hoping anyone would glean from this.

"And Crunchy, that's a real jerk move, y'know,” scolds Nakajima. –Nakajima- is scolding me now! “We said we'd stop poisoning your stuff."

"But you'd -still- do it, right?" I ask suspiciously.

She nods. "Totally. But it's still mean. And so is suggesting I'd go to all this trouble to give you a dick."

"But you -still would-, right?" I insist.

"Yeah, but I kinda hoped you had more faith in me than that!” Rubbing her hands together, she clarifies her intentions by stating, “that way I could actually pull it off!"

And NOW I’m angry again. "GODDAMMIT, NAKAJIMA, THIS IS WHY I HAVE TRUST ISSUES WITH YOU!" I scream at her, which only incites FURTHER laughter from her! This entire incident has just been so… ARGH! I should have just kept my mouth shut!

"Among other issues," Other Nakajima snidely adds. “You didn’t even fuck anybody in the story.”

"I do NOT need your SASS right now, Other Nakajimaaaa!" I yell back at her. It’s probably a bad idea, but right now I just want to vent, or to go to bed or something. ANYTHING to escape this oppressive embarrassment!

…No, actually… no, I don’t want to be alone again. Even if it means enduring all this. I’ll just grit my teeth and bear it, and hope I can make it up to them somehow.

Other Nakajima doesn’t make it easy. "Of course not. You just need to get laid."

"I do not!" I insist, though my heart’s not in it. Maybe she’s right.

“Yes you do, you sword-fucker."

"Oh come on, that was one time!" I cry back. Under the judging stares of Nakajima and the Soul Temperer, I clarify, “and I didn’t even go through with it!”

But she is relentless. “Only because you got caught,” Other Nakajima says.

Right. I don’t have any argument anymore. You win. Can we go back to our quiet evening now, like it was before?

"Maybe,” the Soul Temperer starts musing, “if I could weld a sword to my groin…" She looks at me meaningfully.

"Ooh, ooh, ooooh!” Other Nakajima raises her hand and calls out, “I can do that!" And starts a heated conversation about… goddammit, what have I done?

"Also, you failed to realize something important."

Other Nakajima is somehow not finished with me. I didn’t realize just how upset she was by all of this.

"What –now-?!" I ask in part outrage, part fear. Hasn’t she said enough already?

"...You have now planted the idea of using this dick-granting formula into the minds of two people who have expressed interest in having sexual relations with you.” This immediately grabs the attention of those people who expressed interest in having sexual relations with me. “A formula that actually exists, goes by that name you mentioned, and that we have in a significant quantity in this very location."

My jaw hits the floor.

“It’s real? This is a thing that actually exists?” And that you actually own? Here? –Now-?

“Yep!” chirps Nakajima, seemingly very proud of herself. “I made a whole case of it and put it in the closet in our room!” She wiggles her fingers at me menacingly. “I wanted to see how it worked on your ‘indestructible body’ I heard so much about~.”

“That was you?” Tenko asks earnestly. “You’re the one who makes Formula H?” Nakajima nods to her, and she… she seems to… actually be impressed. “I have a new level of respect for you, Child of Chaos,” she states. And both of them look unnervingly at me.

I may need to start making my own meals and buying my own food.

…And bring it back here every day.

"And another thing," Other Nakajima persists.

"What now?!" I groan, just wanting this whole crucifixion of my entire character to be over and done with.

"You are the one who brought this conversation up in the first place,” she points out. “It wasn't about something that one of us could suggest would tangentially lead to sex, but a formula that would cause you or one of us to grow a dick."

"...It's not- it's not like that-"

“And you knew a lot of words for cock for somebody so absorbed with keeping their purity.”

“That’s because I read-“

"Also you added in the almost-rape scene and the kiss scene, which were entirely unnecessary and ultimately disappointing." Her dull green eyes bore into me, judging my every word. “You dug your own grave here.”


"And one last thing."

"Huh?" Is this really it? Is this the last thing she has to say after all?

"You are now aware that they could use their combined strength to overpower you at any time that they so choose to do so. And then forcibly rape you. Possibly rape you until your broken mind begins to enjoy it." She says all of this with a straight face. With an even tone that hides its sharp, cutting anger.

I can’t even look to confirm whether or not they’re considering it. Her steely gaze won’t let me go. But still, I insist, “They wouldn’t-“

“And I can no longer be bothered to try and stop them. I just don’t care anymore.” She looks off to the side at the other two, and makes a vague motion with her arm. “Do whatever you want with her.”

Is she saying that her presence, and her actions, was the only thing keeping them from having their way with me? Like if she let go of their leashes, they’d descend on me like rabid dogs?

They’re better than that, though. I’m… I’m certain of it.

You’re doubting them again, taunts that voice. That horrid, horrid voice. And it’s right. I’m not certain I can trust them. I care about them, about what they think, but… I don’t trust them.

I’m awful.

“You are dead to me, Heather Crunch,” Other Nakajima declares, standing up from the couch. “You are a disappointment on every level, and you are dead to me. I don’t care what happens to you at this point.”

…I, I trust them. I believe in them. They’re better than she thinks they are. Yes, they, THEY actually CARE!

There’s some movement off to the side, and both Nakajima and the Soul Temperer break my line of sight with Other Nakajima. Snapping me out of her insidious spell. I look up at them from my wretched position, grateful to them for being here. For… well, just for being them, in spite of everything I said.

I put everything I have into mustering the strength to speak two words I never thought I’d be able to say: “thank y-”

The Soul Temperer holds up a hand to stop me from finishing my sentence. “…In the absence of peach cream pie,” the Soul Temperer says carefully, “I will satisfy myself with the Seeker of Enlightenment’s plum pudding.” I don’t understand… until she starts licking her lips.

…This isn’t happening.

“Hey, have I shown you my new beam weapon yet?” pipes up Nakajima, holding up a hilt with an obscenely shaped beam of light springing forth from it. “I call it the Cherry Popper~!”

...It’s a joke. Reality can’t be this pointlessly cruel.

“This is a joke, right?” I assert, wiping at my eyes. “You’re just trying to get my cute crying face, aren’t you?” I suggest, forcing myself to laugh. “Y-you’re trying to teach me something,” I put forward, gripping the armrests until my knuckles hurt.

They aren’t saying anything. They’re… they’re really acting the part.

I’m… they’re playing a trick. This is to teach me something. Something important.

‘What do you expect when the only people who think you’re worth anything are a psychotic monster and a rapist?’ taunts that horrible, mocking voice.

And, as the two descend upon me, I hear Other Nakajima’s voice ring out, "Have a good night, Miss Crunch. Enjoy your contrived situation."